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September 10 2019
I wanted to fit in.
I was walking happily on the sidewalk. Wearing my mukluks and beaded earrings and I saw some teeenagers across the road. They started to do an “Indian Call” and were laughing. They continued to do this in different ways and instantly my heart dropped. I felt like I was back in my teenage body. Insecure. Embarrassed. Ashamed.
I put my head down. Tears pricked my eyes. And a voice inside of me said “I don’t think they know.” I don’t think they know how long it has taken me to get here. To be proud of who I am. I don’t think they know how many years I have healed through layers of shame. I don’t think they know how hard it’s been to move through fear stepping out in my fullness.
I don’t think they know. In a world where I am not seen as worthy of even having clean water. In a world where as a teenager people told me I was pretty…for an indian. In a world where some days I feel like I have to try harder to be seen and heard because the voices who are listened to, don’t look like me. In a world where I wonder if the authorities in my country would truly care and look for me if I went missing.
When they made fun of me, I don’t think they knew what a journey it has been to walk in pride and show myself to the world in my fullness.
Recently on a podcast, we were connecting on the desire we had as children to assimilate.
I remember being a little girl and wanting to be like everyone else. I didn’t want brown skin. I didn’t want people to ask me what my culture was. I didn’t want to hear people saying the mean things they said about Indigenous people and then tell them that they were talking about me.
I wanted to fit in.
So I tried. Really hard. I separated from the parts of me that were the most sacred because they were also, the parts that made me different.
Today, I look around and I see panels on diversity but I still don’t see a lot of Indigenous representation. I see people making baby dolls of different ethnicities but they forget the Indigenous people. I read on social media that some people didn’t even know that Indigenous people still exist.
No wonder I wanted to assimilate. It was the only way to be seen. And even more deeply, the only way to survive.
I have to be really careful and conscious about this inside of myself. I notice myself trying to fit into places just so that I can be seen.
Some days I do wonder if there is space is this online world for an Indigenous person to rise. Up on a stage. On a best seller list. Speaking to thousands…the way I see so many spiritual white women rising.
And I wonder again, where do I fit in.
So I choose to reclaim those parts of myself that have been buried in shame. Those parts that felt invisible or unsafe to share. It’s a constant journey of listening to my ancestors guidance. To receive guidance in my dreams. To align with the visions I receive. To teach my sons to embrace the seven Grandfather teachings and be proud of our culture and the colour of our skin. And I remember I am Nenaadawi Nagweyaab Kwe- Healing Rainbow Medicine Woman. The one who helps people to remember and reclaim their illumination. The one who shares these sacred teachings with students and teachers and people around the world.
A. xo
p.s. Do you ever feel like you don’t belong? My community is filled with souls who are remembering who they are and finding the soul sisters they have been longing for. I invite you into my beautiful membership, Sacred. Get on the waitlist today! Doors open again at the end of September:
www.sacredmembership.com