Living with a chronic illness.

Recently, I realized that I have been in a Lupus flare for a couple of months. Last week I looked in the mirror and saw the dreaded “Butterfly Rash” across my cheeks. A hallmark for a flare up. For me, it’s also a hallmark of shame. You see, for many years, as long as I have been diagnosed, I have tried to live my life as though I didn’t have this illness.

Part of it is being surrounded by and immersed in self help and alternative healing circles for so long. “What you think about, expands”. “Envision yourself healthy at all times.” “Stop identifying with Lupus.”

Although some of this work has been helpful, I have come to realize that it has also made me into someone who does not allow myself to take a break when I really need to. By not identifying with “Lupus”, I also have not softened into the truth that perhaps some days are harder than others. That I am really really tired most days.

Pain is a reality every day. Systemic Lupus is a real thing and no matter how many green juices, visualizations, deep healing sessions, homeopathic remedies and organic food that I consume, sometimes, my body just does not feel well.

This realization started when I began to follow others with Lupus on social media. For 24 years, I have avoided joining any support groups. For 24 years, I have not allowed myself to soften into that beautiful support of others who understand my journey deeply. All because I did not want to focus on something that was deemed negative.

A shadow piece.

One day, I was scrolling through and saw three pictures of people showing their butterfly rash. I was so inspired. Tears ran down my face. And in that moment, I felt sad for myself. Sad that I don’t allow myself to show this to other people in fear of what they might think. Sad that I judge myself for not being totally and completely healed. Sad that I have not acknowledged how hard some days are living with a chronic illness.

Lupus has been a journey of me returning to compassion. A true test of self love. Some days it feels like a lifetime of layers waiting to be uncovered. My heart knows the path of pain, intimately. It also knows the path of hope. The journey now is to hold both for myself and love my body and illness as deeply as I hold space for others.

Many times over the years I have heard people tell me that they don’t feel ready to share their medicines, gifts or healing abilities because they don’t feel healed yet.  I am here to remind you that you have so much to share no matter what.  I am healing.  Just like you.  We are walking this path together.

Over to you, beautiful souls, have you been on a journey back to health? Are there hidden parts that are whispering to be seen? I would love to hear in the comments!

P.S. On days when I feel this way, in need of some deep self love and compassion, I ask for Deer Medicine to come and help.  I have an Indigenous Medicine Journey that offers deep healing for these moments.  Click here to surround yourself with this healing so that you may return to love for yourself.